WHAT WAS I THINKING
Fourteen days into the New Year without writing a devotional on this blog was not my plan. Sometimes, life will throw a curve ball to knock you off your feet. This has happened to me. I've been completely knocked down. My own plans shattered. I'm talking retirement plans. Plans I made without consulting God. Plans designed for selfish reasons. As I'm attempting to get back on my feet, I'm wondering 'WHAT WAS I THINKING!'
Over the last six years, I've been thinking about retirement. You know, when you are in your sixties, it is important to know where you stand for retirement. Well, actually, you need to start planning when you are in your twenties. Kevin and I never were concerned because he worked with an excellent company who looked out for it's employees. So, when he passed away suddenly in January six years ago, I had very little worries. Yes, the stock market fell in 2008 and took close to one third of our savings. It was hard. However, we were still good, so six years ago, I wasn't concerned about retirement, and prayed for God to lead me. My heart was being lead to short term mission trips and volunteer work. Then, my thoughts turned to comfort. Man! Just what was I thinking!
Things were looking good and my heart was more and more leading me to consider volunteer work in the United States. As I watched the disasters over the last few years and the losses of so many, I longed to be a part of helping those in disaster areas. God started preparing my heart for service in retirement. Then, I started worrying if my retirement was enough. I want to be comfortable and have good times with my family. Do you see what was happening? When we commit to God, Satan places these little thoughts in our minds. These subtle little temptations that we don't expect and look over. Yes, I was praying daily and reading the Bible, but I let this temptation of comfort take over.
This is when I considered never retiring. Hey, I'm one healthy woman. I could work two more years or even five. At the beginning of the year I sent a message to my financial adviser that I was planning to retire at the end of 2020 with thoughts in my mind of extending it to a later date. I didn't ask God. 2020 was the year God was leading me to retire, but my thoughts were boastful and self serving. I was considering more about what I was going to do with the grandchildren than where God was leading me. One of my excuses was that I could continue giving longer to missionaries if I did not retire, because when I retire, I will not have as much money to give. You see, we like to justify why we try to change God's plans. Now, as I look back over the last few months, I wonder just what was I thinking.
I had a great Christmas and New Year. I was studying the Bible and making notes in my notebook for devotionals to post. I read a few books. One of those is "Lost on a Familiar Road" by Kimberly Sowell. This book was working on me. No, God is working on me through this book. Then, on January 5, I had a TIA. My left arm went very numb and my blood pressure was 198/90. I felt dizzy and light headed. Me? I'm very independent. I lost that sense of independence on January 5. The blood pressure continued to rise. I went to doctor on January 7 and sent home with a sheet to monitor my blood pressure. On January 10, I drove myself to the hospital ER. After many tests, I heard the doctor say, 'mini strokes.' How do my plans now fit into a life with strokes?
Saturday night at home alone, I cried out to God. I realized that I have no control. I asked for forgiveness. I cried tears of sorrow which were not for my health but for my spiritual heart.
"Oh Lord, What was I thinking! I turned from your will and I want to be back in your will. Forgive me and lead my broken body to the path you have planned for me."
My words in my notebook after my prayer: "I prayed for forgiveness. In the last few months, I started changing my retirement planning without asking God to lead. I was thinking of living more comfortably with my own excuses but what does God want? I know. I'm committed."
Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us; and establish the work of our hands upon us; YES, the work of our hands establish thou it. Psalms 90:17
Over the last six years, I've been thinking about retirement. You know, when you are in your sixties, it is important to know where you stand for retirement. Well, actually, you need to start planning when you are in your twenties. Kevin and I never were concerned because he worked with an excellent company who looked out for it's employees. So, when he passed away suddenly in January six years ago, I had very little worries. Yes, the stock market fell in 2008 and took close to one third of our savings. It was hard. However, we were still good, so six years ago, I wasn't concerned about retirement, and prayed for God to lead me. My heart was being lead to short term mission trips and volunteer work. Then, my thoughts turned to comfort. Man! Just what was I thinking!
Things were looking good and my heart was more and more leading me to consider volunteer work in the United States. As I watched the disasters over the last few years and the losses of so many, I longed to be a part of helping those in disaster areas. God started preparing my heart for service in retirement. Then, I started worrying if my retirement was enough. I want to be comfortable and have good times with my family. Do you see what was happening? When we commit to God, Satan places these little thoughts in our minds. These subtle little temptations that we don't expect and look over. Yes, I was praying daily and reading the Bible, but I let this temptation of comfort take over.
This is when I considered never retiring. Hey, I'm one healthy woman. I could work two more years or even five. At the beginning of the year I sent a message to my financial adviser that I was planning to retire at the end of 2020 with thoughts in my mind of extending it to a later date. I didn't ask God. 2020 was the year God was leading me to retire, but my thoughts were boastful and self serving. I was considering more about what I was going to do with the grandchildren than where God was leading me. One of my excuses was that I could continue giving longer to missionaries if I did not retire, because when I retire, I will not have as much money to give. You see, we like to justify why we try to change God's plans. Now, as I look back over the last few months, I wonder just what was I thinking.
I had a great Christmas and New Year. I was studying the Bible and making notes in my notebook for devotionals to post. I read a few books. One of those is "Lost on a Familiar Road" by Kimberly Sowell. This book was working on me. No, God is working on me through this book. Then, on January 5, I had a TIA. My left arm went very numb and my blood pressure was 198/90. I felt dizzy and light headed. Me? I'm very independent. I lost that sense of independence on January 5. The blood pressure continued to rise. I went to doctor on January 7 and sent home with a sheet to monitor my blood pressure. On January 10, I drove myself to the hospital ER. After many tests, I heard the doctor say, 'mini strokes.' How do my plans now fit into a life with strokes?
Saturday night at home alone, I cried out to God. I realized that I have no control. I asked for forgiveness. I cried tears of sorrow which were not for my health but for my spiritual heart.
"Oh Lord, What was I thinking! I turned from your will and I want to be back in your will. Forgive me and lead my broken body to the path you have planned for me."
My words in my notebook after my prayer: "I prayed for forgiveness. In the last few months, I started changing my retirement planning without asking God to lead. I was thinking of living more comfortably with my own excuses but what does God want? I know. I'm committed."
Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us; and establish the work of our hands upon us; YES, the work of our hands establish thou it. Psalms 90:17
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