Being alone is hard
I've never been truly alone until three years ago. It's hard.
I let things bother me that should not bother me. I don't complain. I don't want to become a bitter old woman. I know a lady whose life ended when her husband died. She was contrary, irritable, critical, and mean to the ones closest to her. No, I don't want to be that person. So, I pray a lot and meditate on how I can face each day and each incident with contentment.
Today was one of those days where I prayed and prayed for contentment. Usually, I have no problem sleeping, but I could not sleep last night resulting in a sleepy and bad day. My refrigerator is in the middle of my kitchen floor, and it is eating at me to the core. The little hose that goes to the ice maker broke, so I purchased a replacement hose. I could not move the refrigerator. It is big and squeezed tightly between the cabinets, so I had to ask for help. Patrick was over one afternoon, so he was able to get the refrigerator moved out. While installing the hose, a valve broke, so we left the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen. We did not want to have to pull it out again. I thought that as soon as I purchased the valve, we would get it fixed. On April 13 I purchased a replacement valve. It was April 24 yesterday. It bothered me. Ever tried cleaning a kitchen with the refrigerator in the middle of the floor! So, I tossed and turned figuring out how I was going to replace the valve.
Surely, it can't be hard. I'll unscrew the back panel, unscrew the valve, and replace with new one. Then, I'll be able to clean the floor behind the refrigerator, push the refrigerator back into place, and clean my kitchen. It will be simple. But, what if I can't get the valve to go back into place! What if the hose still leaks! What if I get stuck behind the refrigerator! What if I just can't get it done! Tossing and turning, I had to go to sleep. So, I prayed. It didn't work. What works for me is to day dream or make up a story. I started my story in New York City and it was 7:15 AM. What a hard night and I'm so tired!
It is settled. I will fix the refrigerator myself. But, on the way to work, everything I've got to do this week crowds my mind. I've got to complete Children's Church material for May and June. It is end of month with things at work very busy. I need to cut grass (tire on lawn mower is flat) and my house is a mess with the refrigerator still in the middle of the kitchen. But,
Fast forward to 6 May 2016:
I stopped and planned to finish later. Tonight, I started to erase the above. Sometimes there are times I have feelings that I don't want anyone to know. However, the above does not define me. Yes, I slipped and let a few things get to me. When things get down, I go sit on the swing on my front porch and meditate with the stars shining above with the moon softly lighting the sky. I meditate and pray. Quietly, I clear my mind and let God fill me with His love and grace. It is by grace he saved me many years ago and by grace He keeps me going. I don't need to create a story, because my story is defining myself in the care and love of my Savoir. For someone like me who likes "nice and neat" has to accept that life is not "nice and neat." My mother suffered with scleroderma and heart problems. She lost her love (my father) right after we were told that she had only months to live. She told me that everyday God gave her was for a reason and she felt that reason was to be there for her children and grandchildren, especially, for Emmie and Carol. After six years, she did what she could before she slipped away in the arms of Jesus. My mother spent those six years never complaining but searching for a purpose each day to serve others through God. I want my children to have sweet memories of me like I do of my mother. So, I surrender myself to God and I get to the "nice and neat" but not on my terms but God's terms. Along the way, I learn a few things, get to know a few more people, and go to bed again to sleep without any worries.
I let things bother me that should not bother me. I don't complain. I don't want to become a bitter old woman. I know a lady whose life ended when her husband died. She was contrary, irritable, critical, and mean to the ones closest to her. No, I don't want to be that person. So, I pray a lot and meditate on how I can face each day and each incident with contentment.
Today was one of those days where I prayed and prayed for contentment. Usually, I have no problem sleeping, but I could not sleep last night resulting in a sleepy and bad day. My refrigerator is in the middle of my kitchen floor, and it is eating at me to the core. The little hose that goes to the ice maker broke, so I purchased a replacement hose. I could not move the refrigerator. It is big and squeezed tightly between the cabinets, so I had to ask for help. Patrick was over one afternoon, so he was able to get the refrigerator moved out. While installing the hose, a valve broke, so we left the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen. We did not want to have to pull it out again. I thought that as soon as I purchased the valve, we would get it fixed. On April 13 I purchased a replacement valve. It was April 24 yesterday. It bothered me. Ever tried cleaning a kitchen with the refrigerator in the middle of the floor! So, I tossed and turned figuring out how I was going to replace the valve.
Surely, it can't be hard. I'll unscrew the back panel, unscrew the valve, and replace with new one. Then, I'll be able to clean the floor behind the refrigerator, push the refrigerator back into place, and clean my kitchen. It will be simple. But, what if I can't get the valve to go back into place! What if the hose still leaks! What if I get stuck behind the refrigerator! What if I just can't get it done! Tossing and turning, I had to go to sleep. So, I prayed. It didn't work. What works for me is to day dream or make up a story. I started my story in New York City and it was 7:15 AM. What a hard night and I'm so tired!
It is settled. I will fix the refrigerator myself. But, on the way to work, everything I've got to do this week crowds my mind. I've got to complete Children's Church material for May and June. It is end of month with things at work very busy. I need to cut grass (tire on lawn mower is flat) and my house is a mess with the refrigerator still in the middle of the kitchen. But,
Fast forward to 6 May 2016:
I stopped and planned to finish later. Tonight, I started to erase the above. Sometimes there are times I have feelings that I don't want anyone to know. However, the above does not define me. Yes, I slipped and let a few things get to me. When things get down, I go sit on the swing on my front porch and meditate with the stars shining above with the moon softly lighting the sky. I meditate and pray. Quietly, I clear my mind and let God fill me with His love and grace. It is by grace he saved me many years ago and by grace He keeps me going. I don't need to create a story, because my story is defining myself in the care and love of my Savoir. For someone like me who likes "nice and neat" has to accept that life is not "nice and neat." My mother suffered with scleroderma and heart problems. She lost her love (my father) right after we were told that she had only months to live. She told me that everyday God gave her was for a reason and she felt that reason was to be there for her children and grandchildren, especially, for Emmie and Carol. After six years, she did what she could before she slipped away in the arms of Jesus. My mother spent those six years never complaining but searching for a purpose each day to serve others through God. I want my children to have sweet memories of me like I do of my mother. So, I surrender myself to God and I get to the "nice and neat" but not on my terms but God's terms. Along the way, I learn a few things, get to know a few more people, and go to bed again to sleep without any worries.
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