Grief and Loneliness

     Grief and loneliness hurt.  They start in your heart and rip it into pieces as your mind and body wrenches in pain.  I know.  After my father died, there was an emptiness.  I had anxiety attacks.  I'm thankful I had Kevin to help me through the anxiety.  I feared that something was going to happen to our children.  Every time we went out and left the children with a sitter, my heart would race, my head would pound, and I trembled in fear that they would not be at home when we returned.  For two years, we cut many date nights short.  Then, the chest pains and gasping for air would grab my body for no reason.  So, I thought.  It was the pain of grief that I had to face.  I had to slow down and deal with my loss and my grief.

     Then, after thirty eight years of marriage, Kevin died.  He died with no warning. I was in shock for a few weeks.  I tried to find a normal, but there was no new normal.  I would sit in the car for hours because I did not want to go into an empty house.  I missed our nice evenings together.  He was my best friend and my love.  My sister lived near, and I would go visit with her instead of going straight home after work.  It helped having someone to talk with after work. With work, I had co-workers.  I was involved with the Southern Methodist Woman's Missionary Society on the local, conference, and council levels.  I taught a Sunday School Class and a youth group, so I had plenty to keep my mind busy.  The grief was hard, and I got through it.

     As I dealt with my grief, I had to deal with thoughtless people.  A few months after Kevin died, I was at a church function and was laughing with a group as they told about a recent trip.  I was enjoying listening, asking questions, and laughing with them.  Then, a young lady reached over touching my arm to tell me that I wasn't invited because I was single.  Now, those words hurt!  I had not even thought about why I wasn't asked.  I'm a teacher in another class.  Simply, I was enjoying the moment.  Another issue is men who think so very much of themselves.  They think the new widow might be interested in them.  Well, I'm not interested in anyone.  I'm seeking God's will, and this has led me to volunteer work I enjoy.  I had plans for retirement, but the quarantine with COVID19 has slowed those plans.  Being quarantined has brought on loneliness.

     During the last two months, I've kept busy.  I wake up early, have devotion and prayer time, and work on projects.  My yard is very clean and manicured.  Every closet and corner in my house has been cleaned out.  I've binged watched a few television series and read a few books.  I plan to update the family cook book and remove wall paper next week.  However, with all the busy, I still miss people.  I enjoy when I get to babysit my grandchildren a few hours most weeks.  It helps.  I call friends and family.  It isn't the same as having a nice Sunday afternoon with someone.  Then, there is today.

     Today, on Mother's Day, I have been alone.  Usually, it doesn't bother me.  It has to be the quarantine.  I enjoyed going to church this morning for worship.  I enjoyed seeing the people and sitting with my son and his family.  Then, everyone was talking about their plans for Mother's Day.  The pastor announced there will be no evening service, so families could enjoy being together with their mothers.  I drove home.  I closed the garage.  I sat in the car.  I did not want to go into an empty house and eat alone.  I felt like everyone was having nice big family meals except me.  Alone.  I read the Sunday paper.  I cried.  I prayed for forgiveness.  I felt guilty for feeling so lonely.  It was 2:30 when I walked into my house and prepared my lunch.  I cried some more.  Why?  I haven't felt this lonely in such a long time.  I know the quarantine has contributed to the loneliness.  I don't like feeling this way.  Then, I opened my Bible to the Psalms.  Psalms 31 reminded me of the years David lived in solitude and hiding from Saul.  "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thou righteousness." (verse 1)  In verse 2, David asks God to deliver him.  I imagine in his hiding place David was lonely and needed freedom.  

     So, as I continue to read, I find comfort.  I still want to cry some more.  You know, sometimes the pain is gone but you just need to cry a little more.  And, I will pray some more.  I still feel guilty for the self pity and feeling lonely.  So, I count my blessings.  I've counted my blessings and see I'm not so alone.  If you have read this, don't feel pity for me.  Let it be a reminder to you.  A reminder to be considerate and thoughtful.  I had an aunt that I included in all our holiday meals many years ago.  She was a widow.  My children enjoyed her.  So, if you have a neighbor, ask them over or visit.  Be there.