Loneliness - Guilt -Shame
"Why are you cast down, O my soul?"
"Why am I distressed?"
These are questions asked in Psalms 42 Depression and loneliness can crumble you from the inside. When it hits, I have feelings of guilt. Feelings I shouldn't have. It is like any illness; we can't always control when the illness will strike our bodies. Unfortunately, depression and loneliness runs through our emotions without warning. I didn't see it coming. I thought I had everything under control. I felt content and happy the day before the uncontrollable tears and brokenness hit. So, I ask myself why. Why the sudden feeling of heaviness on my soul?
With the COVID19 and quarantine, it is easy for me to understand that isolation from real people is main reason for this heaviness that has come from inside me. I thought I had this under control by staying in touch with family and staying busy. My garden and flowerbeds are weed free. I cut down large bushes and small trees to clean the ditch by my house. I've read books. Daily, I worked on Bible studies, scheduled prayer time for specific people and situations, planned a schedule, walked three miles a day, and hit golf balls around the yard. I kept a structured schedule so I would have a purpose for each day. If something comes up where someone needs me, I forget my schedule and find pleasure in helping someone. Always, I enjoy being there for my friends and family. Evidently, somewhere I missed something, because I fell apart on Sunday, Mother's Day. I fell apart again yesterday. Today, I have it together, but I feel it rising from inside my soul. I read more scripture and talk to God about it, but it's there. Now, don't say that I need time to relax. I relax on my porch enjoying watching birds and my beautiful flowers. I sit and watch. I meditate and write. I know what I need. I need people in my presence. I need a carefree afternoon with good conversation. With quarantine, I miss lunch with a friend and a little laughter with a person in view.
So, can having people make my depression, loneliness, and guilt go away? Unfortunately, there are people who will say, "You should give it to God." Believe me. I have. It is so easy to judge. It is the judging of fellow Christians that people with bi-polar disorder, anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness stay quiet. Instead of understanding, we get an attitude from our church family that we aren't faithful. This loads on us feelings of shame and guilt. People don't want to hear about our fears. This is why it is hard. This is why guilt and shame are added to our burdens which does not help us. So, many people stay silent and the pain grows. For me, I continue in prayer. I've shared with someone I trust. It is important to have someone to trust.
In addition, I still find comfort with God. I said comfort. Depression doesn't go away overnight. I know I need time. Yes, there is comfort in the arms of Jesus as I'm surrounded in loneliness.
Psalm 42
Vs. 3 & 4: My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is your God? When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me; for I had gone with multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holy day.
Vs. 8: Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
Vs. 11; Why are you cast down, O my soul? and why are you disquieted within me? hope in your God: for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
"Why am I distressed?"
These are questions asked in Psalms 42 Depression and loneliness can crumble you from the inside. When it hits, I have feelings of guilt. Feelings I shouldn't have. It is like any illness; we can't always control when the illness will strike our bodies. Unfortunately, depression and loneliness runs through our emotions without warning. I didn't see it coming. I thought I had everything under control. I felt content and happy the day before the uncontrollable tears and brokenness hit. So, I ask myself why. Why the sudden feeling of heaviness on my soul?
With the COVID19 and quarantine, it is easy for me to understand that isolation from real people is main reason for this heaviness that has come from inside me. I thought I had this under control by staying in touch with family and staying busy. My garden and flowerbeds are weed free. I cut down large bushes and small trees to clean the ditch by my house. I've read books. Daily, I worked on Bible studies, scheduled prayer time for specific people and situations, planned a schedule, walked three miles a day, and hit golf balls around the yard. I kept a structured schedule so I would have a purpose for each day. If something comes up where someone needs me, I forget my schedule and find pleasure in helping someone. Always, I enjoy being there for my friends and family. Evidently, somewhere I missed something, because I fell apart on Sunday, Mother's Day. I fell apart again yesterday. Today, I have it together, but I feel it rising from inside my soul. I read more scripture and talk to God about it, but it's there. Now, don't say that I need time to relax. I relax on my porch enjoying watching birds and my beautiful flowers. I sit and watch. I meditate and write. I know what I need. I need people in my presence. I need a carefree afternoon with good conversation. With quarantine, I miss lunch with a friend and a little laughter with a person in view.
So, can having people make my depression, loneliness, and guilt go away? Unfortunately, there are people who will say, "You should give it to God." Believe me. I have. It is so easy to judge. It is the judging of fellow Christians that people with bi-polar disorder, anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness stay quiet. Instead of understanding, we get an attitude from our church family that we aren't faithful. This loads on us feelings of shame and guilt. People don't want to hear about our fears. This is why it is hard. This is why guilt and shame are added to our burdens which does not help us. So, many people stay silent and the pain grows. For me, I continue in prayer. I've shared with someone I trust. It is important to have someone to trust.
In addition, I still find comfort with God. I said comfort. Depression doesn't go away overnight. I know I need time. Yes, there is comfort in the arms of Jesus as I'm surrounded in loneliness.
Psalm 42
Vs. 3 & 4: My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is your God? When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me; for I had gone with multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holy day.
Vs. 8: Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
Vs. 11; Why are you cast down, O my soul? and why are you disquieted within me? hope in your God: for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
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